Saturday, October 28, 2006

Jokes: Late Night TV - Week of Oct. 29

These are some of my favorites from this week from Jay Leno, Letterman, and Conan. Jimmy Kimmel has some good ones as well, but he comes on really late in the night for me to write them down. A laugh a night is totally worth it! Without much time to read the news these days, why not a good laugh and news bits?


Letterman

  • Halloween is coming up. That's one day every New Yorker looks forward to - going to your door in the dark and seeing people in masks.
  • Are you watching the World Series? The St. Louis Cardinals and the Detroit Tigers. The Tigers have a young team they say. In fact earlier today Madonna adopted a batboy.
  • Down in Washington, President Bush has approved a plan to build a 700 mile fence on a portion of the Mexican border. He said he also knows where he can find some cheap labor to build it. A long fence on the border. Something like this I just hope Halliburton can get some money out of the deal. Be nice to see something go their way for a change.
  • Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married next month in Italy. Their wedding is going to be at the Leaning Tower of Publicity. Tom Cruise is a thrifty and shrewd guy. To save money on the wedding he's going to stand on the cake.
  • Isn't politics just horrible these days? People are now saying that Hillary Clinton has spent millions of dollars on plastic surgery. She's so good looking now that her husband hit on her by accident last night.
  • O.J. Simpson is writing a novel. Things are going good so far. He's agreed to meet at a Barnes and Noble for a book stabbing.
  • This is Fashion Week in New York City. Fashion Week and the Red Sox have something in common - they both fall apart at the seams.
  • Big news! Britney Spears had her second baby. The mother and baby are doing fine and the baby is expected to drive himself home from the hospital today.
Leno
  • A new energy drink is coming out called "Cocaine". That's what it's called. It's made by the same people that came out with the "Black Tar Heroin Protein Bar". If this drink would have came out a week earlier it might have saved Bobby (Brown) and Whitney's (Houston) marriage.
  • According to "ESPN" magazine the Washington Redskins are the most profitable NFL franchise, worth $1.5 billion. The reason being is that in D.C. no one is used to an organization with a game plan and being able to execute it.
  • There are now 300 million people in the United States. That either means we are a strong democracy or we have a poor border patrol.
  • Kim Jung Il is reportedly ecstatic about North Korea's successful nuclear test. He's feeling five feet tall! He's a strange guy. What's up with the pompadour? He looks like Wayne Newton and William Hung had a kid.
  • Florida Congressman Mark Foley has completed one week of his rehab. He has gone seven days without a page.
  • The Army has changed their slogan from "Army of One" to "Army: Strong". A number of other countries have done the same. India is now "We fix more computer by 9:00 AM than most do all day." Switzerland is "See what a pocket knife, scissors, corkscrew and little nail file can do for you." Morocco, "Less talk, more rocco!" And Cuba, "Invading America one raft at a time."
  • Over the weekend Paris Hilton was arrested for driving under the influence. She was smart though. The second she was pulled out of the car she said, "Go Israel!" This time she was put into real handcuffs. Not those fuzzy pink ones she's used to. She's still a celebrity and you can tell she's spoiled. For example in the holding room she got one call and she called room service. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to Paris Hilton since the release of her CD.
  • There is an initiative in the state of Nevada to legalize small amounts of marijuana. This is the first time marijuana and initiative has appeared in the same sentence. Opponents are afraid of the crime element that legalization would attract to the state. Yeah, between the hookers, alcoholics and degenerate gamblers those are the last people you'd want coming into the state.
  • The population of the United States is now at 300 million. It should be 400 million by Christmas. You can tell who the new people are too - they're the ones that aren't fat yet!
Conan
  • President Bush was in Mexico this week. While in Mexico he was greeted with protestors that were wearing George Bush masks. The president was overheard saying, "I don't know who those people are but they look familiar."
  • President Bush is working hard on the Iraq situation. Today he told the Iraqi people to "get governing". Then he went on to introduce his new speech writer, Larry the Cable Guy.
  • Major League Baseball has announced a formal investigation into Barry Bonds alleged steroid use. The investigation will involve looking at a photograph of Barry Bonds.
AND THAT'S NEWS FOR YOU ...!

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